Emotion:nonexistent.
Random Thought:not feeling normal.
What:sweet love.

do i miss him? do i honestly miss him? is it actually hitting me the reality of the situation past? maybe i am, but i'm trying darn hard to suppress it. i should be at church right now helping set up for our annual fiesta, but i just don't have the motivation to do so right now. i just feel like a ball of negative energy right now. i've been so rude to my mom and just well feeling nonexistent.

you know who would validate my pms? lex. because he knew my schedule and my mood changes, all the changes better than i knew myself. but do i miss him? or are my hormones just craving some attention?

i am tired, exhausted. sometimes just wanting to lie fetus position and hold my breathe. too many things to think about, so much time. i think it's getting to me, too much me time.

yesterday the kids, ate and i went to imperial beach to look at the annual sand castle competition. every step i took i felt the possibility of running into familiar eyes again. it wasn't too long ago that we walked those shores hand in hand and in awe when we saw amazing sand sculptures. my heart began to race, i felt so close to him and just scared of coming face to face with the reality of it all. did i miss him? or was i scared of him? 9 days since goodbyes. and i'm doing fine. i feel like i've managed to put myself out there, to take in some more air than usual. but at times i suffocate. our surface glory was beautiful. we looked so loving, caring, and perfect. but alas too perfect.

this afternoon my sister and i will treat ourselves to some of nature's finest, waves. we owe it to ourselves after the long day we had yesterday. definitely can't wait to be in the water again. it'd been so long since i've touched it. . . 2 months or so. no more red tide, no more overbundance of life.

still wondering.