Emotion:sad i think.
Random Thought:it's humid.
What:ang himig natin

today is an off day for me. i'm feeling not quite there or quite here. i'm scared at times when i think of starting fresh. scared of so many things that i limit myself. never quite satisfied, a victim of the "more" factor. not quite content as usual but i know i can manage. maybe i'm just going through pms? the days are getting more boring as they pass. i just can't wait until i can just simply step out of the condo with somebody to spend time with. i know it's sad, but i think i've spent so much time alone already that i'm ready to just spend time with friends and meeting new people. there is so much out there beyond the front door that i'm almost too reluctant to open it. you know i've been struggling to get out of san diego, i sometimse feel like the main character of orange county or like drew berrymore in riding in cars with boys. just all this effort to become someone and all it is is a dream. i think i've lost sight of my goals at this moment perhaps because life is just at a standstill. but so many great things have happened, so many changes are occuring that i can't deny the outside.

i feel like i'm just a big mess of emotions right now. not too sure of what i'm feeling, but i can still manage to form smiles. i feel the urge to cry inside but i don't understand it. has all this stress and tamed tears caught up with me? i'm suffering in this heat as if i'm facing my personal hell. too scared to put myself out there. hindered by my own fear of life though i preach otherwise. maybe i'm honestly just being menstral right now. maybe the boredom has taken its toll on me, overdued pays?

my mom keeps insisting that we meet for dinner or something. always asking if i'm okay. telling me to go pray at st. therese so that i can find my soulmate. i told her that's not my concern right now. i'm not even thinking about that. i need to feel accomplished before i can even do that. i think about relationships and how much more meaning they bear. i feel as if at this age, a relationship would mean a potential husband/wife whatever. it's not just a game, no longer puppy love.

sometimes i wish i could just go back to the philippines or japan or where the memories were fond. i can't help but be moved by life and injustices and just such. i think that's what makes me a conflict theorists. i can see the bright side of things but i can always pick of the most microscopic problem.

life is so boring sometimes when all you know is school. when you can't go out and experience life beyond the schoolyard. i'm fine in my own world thinking about all these worldly events and what not, but to actually go out there on a daily basis is so difficult for me.

this may sound strange but when i was 15, a cry spell came over me. i didn't understand it but i was so devasted. so sad inside. i just felt like the world was in so much pain. that the virgin mary had given me a moment to feel such agony. it's seriously a heavy heart.

how can you correct so many wrongdoings in your life? how do you change things with so many individuals. we can mask the problems by keeping ourselves busy and not focusing on the problems. we can use temporary solutions, smoking, drinking, shopping, sex, etc. those are simple solutions that supress the pain, the thoughts, the questions, but does it ever really solve anything?

i guess you could say i question happiness. i am the culprit of jinxing things, fulfilling that self-prophecy.