Emotion:
Random Thought:i don't want it anymore.
What:

the more and more i think about it, the more i don't want it. the more i'm afraid of it. the more scarier it seems. i guess you could say that i just don't believe in it anymore. don't believe in genuine love, relationship quality. i'm just at a point in my life where a relationship has no place in my life right now. people used to say that lex and i were perfect for each other. we look like each other. we made sense. but did i just get too scared of getting close? was my dream bigger that i needed to sacrifice a relationship? i guess so and it feels right.

as much as i enjoyed loving and being loved, i enjoyed my independence. the only thing i seem to have control over is myself so to give that up, i guess in a sense would mean giving myself up unless proven otherwise. right now, serious relationships and me, do not mix. it's like oil and water.

i haven't cried since the day. i haven't mourned for it, anything. maybe i've haven't given myself the chance to let it out? to talk about it.

maybe this should open the doors now. he was a great guy. i couldn't ask for anything more. we knew each other for so long, never thought anything of our interactions. it was almost too perfect, but i gave him a chance. i gave love a chance, all fears set aside. but it was still there. my fear of intimacy, fear of getting too close. fear of becoming too dependent on him and losing sight of my dreams. i feared that i had lost my sense of self control. it was hard trying to make a decision for two. he didn't want me to leave, didn't want me to go to san francisco for fear of change and distance. it was hard to have that on my conscience. maybe i just wanted someone who shared my dreams and could make them a reality. i know that i owe a lot to him, his patience, his tremendous amount of support and encouragement, his love, his security, his time, everything. i think god was right, we were together to teach each other how to love again. it had been so long since we had both been in a relationship. he was great.