Emotion:confused?
Random Thought:fighting it.
What:white stripes i think.

so. let me spill the coffee. i miss him. as if you didn't already know. i even tried calling him, 3 or 4 times. just to make sure i was hearing the words correctly, his phone had been cancelled. my curiousity peaked and i can't believe that i tried to call so many times. knowing that the phone was disconnected. i sat through "love actually" tortured myself to reminsce about what we had and what could've been. i'm constantly second guessing my decision. did i make the right one? is this right? am i just being stubborn? it's been 11 days since we've last made contact. and sometimes i wish he was reading this right now and had the urge to pick up the phone and call me. but. . . what good will that do? just prolong the agony and tease our emotions especially his. sometimes i just want to hold him and let him know that i still care. that i haven't completely buried it. i guess it's like horticulture. it's a peaking root, awaiting its fate of weed killer or more sunlight.

geez. i can't help but wonder what he's doing. is he at work? did he even get the job? is he okay? are his friends taking care of him? are his parents supporting him? is he being strong? or has he already met someone? has he added a new girl friend on his myspace acct? (ha, stupid i know) i can't help but remember our secret getaway to vegas, how perfect it all seemed until we were on the road back to reality.

i feel so guilty sometimes that things happening the way they are for everyone invovled. do i just have too much pride that i'm not willing to admit that i should be with him? i admit it, i had something good. i let it go to preserve my independence. i wonder.

are you reading this right now? are you thinking about calling me? do you ever touch those numbers?