Emotion:indifferent.
Random Thought:uncertain.
What:the mikey show.

as each days passes i'm left cumbersome and wondering about what's in store. though i realize the hindrance of trying to predict the future, i can't help but wonder what's coming next. for some reason, there's a certain void that needs to be filled and i'm not sure what it is. unsure about where this is stemming from and reflecting on how i may have changed since i started dating paul.
i guess this is my space to scribe all the emotions and questions i've harbored in my mind and heart. so i was listening to the mikey show this morning, as paul requested. there was a caller who professed his love for his best friend of 5 years, reminscent of my scenario with paul. i'm not sure why it affected me the way it did, but i think it's because during that time when i professed my "love", i was left in limbo. hanging on a limb or a vein of my heart. having thought that maybe he was attracted to me and that there were times when we were in sync with these thoughts, yet i'm still unsure about that. i sometimes wonder if i hadn't told him would he had even developed the feelings he has now? how much have i put in in order to get to this place. . and why am i feeling the way that i am? i guess it's because there are a lot of unresolved emotions and a lot of words that have gone unsaid.
i don't think i've had the chance to really share my thoughts about how we got together and why i ended up dating ryan or moving on.
here's a brief timeline on how it all happened:

oct 2002 we met.
oct or so, 2005 i finally told him.
dec. 2005 we tested it out.
dec 30 2005- i leave for philippines. at this point, it feels like it wasn't mutual. that i was the only one relishing in these emotions. with that being said, i figured that i would start the new year with no strings attached. i would move on.
jan. 23, 2006- i come back to san diego having left a boyfriend in the philippines. why i moved on? it was my coping tactic and i was genuinely interested in ryan, yet fearful. slowly i released my fears and inhibitions. he received my insecurities and fears, i questioned how genuine he was.
***i suppose during the month i was gone, paul realized how he felt about me***
jan 26, 2006 i run into him for the first time since i came back, obviously things are weird, but on his end.
feb 1, 2006 we finally hang out and meet up with his friends at the blvd, san marcos. the feelings come back and i'm torn. he sleeps over that night and i'm there trying to take care of him as usual.
feb 8, 2006 i leave ryan.
i think this is where the discomfort comes in.
again there are lot of things that haven't been discussed that i feel are neccessary to address.

all this tied in with the purgatory of college leaves me with an awkward taste in my mouth. can't really write it all down right now because i don't even understand how i feel about that part of our relationship.

i do know however that i'm happy with where we are now.