Emotion:determined.
Random Thought:where you going little girl?
What:keysha cole (sp?)

so i've been thinking as usual. how easy it is to get caught up in this experience of simply being. . of being me and thinking about one's self. there is the constant tendency to forget about others and the journies that we are to share.

all my life i've been striving to get out of here. to leave this place and find my own comfort zone, a sanctuary that i could call my own. that was still a virgin, untouched by familiar hands.

i think about my past relationship with lex and how hard i am trying to just move on and enjoy myself. don't get me wrong i do enjoy all that i have experienced and all that i have, but there are moments that i'd love to share with someone else, with someone special to me. there are so many nights when i want to be held by his securing arms and kissed by his delicate lips, but i don't know if that's even right at this moment. hence, i get lost in myself. in my existence and forget my purpose. (at least what i feel is my purpose)

i don't like playing games with love. i don't like when the object of the game is to unzip my pants and unsnap my bra. i don't appreciate being objectified by perverted eyes. but i do enjoy mind fucks. i don't want to put up with the he said/she said jargon. i just want something real, something honest. probably not at this moment. more than anything, i'm being a hypocrite because my object of my game is to just be held. but i don't want to be held by just. i don't feel right when i'm in a stranger's grip. so much security and comfortability in lex's arms. i'm not sure at this moment if i am truly in love with him or if i'm just comfortable.

these randoms spurts of guys who are "interested" in "me" feel like i'm juggling for an audience. it's just a show. it's not going anywhere, just stagnant. i need some substance. but it's hard because sometimes i just want the attention. as sad as that sounds.

so where am i going? i still have my hopes up for going to graduate school, living in san francisco and just living my life away from familiarity. i don't want to keep running into familiar faces and hearing stories about the same groups/individuals or seeing the same faces at events, etc.


. . .