Emotion:none.
Random Thought:none.
What:a mane1 mix.

i don't let it all out because i think i've learned that people just don't want to hear it. so many things about this past relationship have been closeted, just repressed. i always feel the need to reassure others that "i'm okay, really." it's so easy to turn if off and just think about other things. but i've always believed in confronting your issues personally. so i suppose i'll take a stab at it.

i can't hold him to any standards or expectations. if he decides to continue to talk to his ex-gf that shouldn't even be my concern. i guess part of me is afraid that the two of them will end up back in each other's arms. as much reassurance as he gave me, i can't seem to believe it because love is a powerful thing as with lust and temptation. i can't hold him to an expectation that he won't move on because that's what i'm asking him to do. that's what i'm doing. moving on with my life. it's definitely a hard thing to let go and forget. not saying that i want to forget but just to help push along my progress.

eh. what makes me uncomfortable about the situation? the fact they are reminscing about a past relationship on a continual basis. that made me quite uncomfortable, plus yes as much as i deny it insecurity (jealousy). she is a hot one. eh. i guess it's the feeling on not wanting him to find a gf yet, not until i find one. but i guess the first step to that would to actually "look" for one. i'm cool though. no need for a relationship or any of that business. i just got out of a 3 year relationship so i definitely just need time to enjoy myself and surround myself with great friends and wonderful family.

last night was a refreshing night, all except for the part where randy's self-esteem was lowered. i apologize for that. the girls and i were talking about how it's hard to find a decent potential in san diego. they're personalities just don't match to our definitions of a great partner. that made randy feel rather lowly. i feel the same way to when my guy friends talk about "hot chicks" and how i feel as if i don't meet their preferences. everyone's just seeking approval from others, to help boost their self-esteem, and to reassure them that they are found attractive to others. as flattering as it is to have been approached by men, i found it only as a temporary flirt. nothing really came of it except for flattery to get some digits, right? i have so much distrust for the opposite sex, i guess you can say that i've overpacked for the trip. what are their real motives? are they genuinely interested? or would they just like to get some head? because they won't.

yep, the opposite sex. i am now returning to my cave woman mentality and proclaiming that they only use i have for men are for sperm. that is the only essential function of men to me, to provide sperm in case of emergency. har har.