Emotion: uncertain.
Random Thought: how long does love last?
What: a hole in the world

so i'm realizing that this post will contradict the previous post, but i'm beginning to wonder about chemical imbalance called "love," by "love" i am referring to romantic love. i do fear waking up the next morning realizing that it's gone, it's not next to me anymore. does that fear drive us crazy enough to do whatever it takes to make something work even at the cost of our own selves? does that not boggle your mind? what's more important to you? your own self or your relationship? i fear becoming a woman who is defined by her relationship and not for her identity. yet, there is a time when the relationship becomes an additive to her character. i can easily say that everything relationship i have had. . . of romantic interest has shaped me into what i am today and has built my perspectives. (ripple effect of humanity)

at the beginning of this year, i put my heart back on a pedastal and made myself vulnerable. i allowed myself to love and go beyond my caves of work. to a higher degree, i made myself very vulnerable and hoped that the next one would take gentle care of me.

life hasn't exactly been picture perfect, and i'd hate to think where i would end up if it didn't take the course it did. there is an art to living life content, to realize that each and every step you take makes you stronger and defines my character. but can't that easily be mistaken as blind faith? the thought that everything happens for a reason contradicts the notion of free will. to this day i find myself trying to define the blurred lines between fate and free will. wouldn't that also depend on your degree and personal religion? what would be the point of living if you knew what was to come next, or if you questioned each and every moment. . . wondering why it's happening? perhaps it's just happening and we will never know why or what it's purpose was, but just know that you've grown from that moment.

i am embarking on another journey in my academic life that will reign over my life for the next 2-3 years (hopefully 2). i'd like to think that all my experiences have prepared me for this moment and that's the best that i can do at this time.

i do yearn for my sanctuaries, a whiff of smog filled air amidst green hills and smoke rising from burning garbage. i do miss it. i do miss the gentle smiles and mysterious eyes of the people.

i can't just sleep all day, i need to go out and do something, be productive.