Emotion:
Random Thought:
What:

i realize that this might be the hardest thing for some individuals to admit, but i am self-centered. i tend to view things through the egocentric lens, then again i can'thelp but do that since that is the yardstick that measures my life and my place. sad isn't it, that this is such a valid concept. sometimes we forget that other people exist and that they two are valid means of comparison. i mean. . "walk in someone else's shoes." i've gotten to caught up in this egocentric spin that i've lost connection with everyone else. maybe i could blame it on american society with its emphasis on the individual or maybe it's just up to my own discretion. i could have chosen what to accept and/or deny.

i think it's about time that i started admitting a couple things to myself. maybe if i do it publicly, i'll feel better. but there is the "hiya" factor, the shame that it will bring to me. . . yet, isn't that a step to self-cleansing?

i admit that i am tired of the same mudane days at school. i need a refresher course on how to make friends and be involved in something i'm passionate about. hence, mslc. i am in a current bind between a history class (african americans in film) and writing for the student newspaper. i really feel as if writing for the Pride is useful, although i may run into differences of opinion within the "company."

this semester is over in 2 weeks, i have papers to type, but yet it feels as if i don't have anything to do.

i've been reading several excerpts from "on becoming american" and i wonder if i share similarities with these immigrant women's experiences. (sorry i've completely lost my thought here) wait got it back. there is a story about a woman from london who felt as if she never quite fit in and when she finally moved to California, she found her comfort zone. This is parallel to my life. I do not feel comfortable in San Diego, never have. which leads me to this question, "is my calling in asia?"

i must interject, i hate all this competition. this american competitiveness is driving me insane and it's something that i must confront before it goes any further.

all this struggle for what? to earn some money? yes, i understand that achieving an education is more complex than that, but when you simplify the factors. . what are the determining factor for ones future occupation? how much money will you make!

frustrating. there are days when i just want to join a writing circle and just write. go travel and write. there are days when i just want to write something similar to gulliver's travels. tell stories about the places i've been and people i've met or eat (if cannibalism is ever introduced to me)

in all ends, i just want to explore. explore my options and see the world.

religiously, how does this all tie in? am i doing something self-fulfilling or is this something given by God? so many questions but yet being repressed from question and forced to simply accept. it's not my nature. again, this is something that i must admit, i am stubborn.

sometimes, i feel like i'm living the life of the guy from "orange county." i'll never get out of san diego and i need to go to harvard to become a better writer. ha.

who knows where this journey will take me.

as of now, as i enter my 22nd year my focus is on finding a stable career. so many options i suppose. i never thought of it this way but it is a possiblity that i'm just following the filipino-american tradition. maybe i'm just following the ways of education, career and then marriage. no travel, no indepence, just right into marriage. that my friend is a scary thought.

my nephew told me today. . "you're tall, so you're going to have kids."

as you can imagine, i was astonished. deterred from the thought of bearing a child! oh the horror.

you know what's even a bit more interesting the fact that i'm constantly seeking approval. i need to know that my work it good based on others' opinion. Heh, this is related to the looking glass theory of Cole ( i believe that is the name of the sociologist) basically, "I am what you think i am."

it feels great to finally release all these tensions that i have had stored in my mind.

though it is not over.