i don't quite understand why things are this way. i realize that you try very hard and i can't do simple things for you. i just don't think i'm ready to care for someone else. every day we spend together, it seems like our friendship gets stronger and stronger. things aren't the same as they used to be. that passion doesn't seem to be there anymore. maybe it's because we spend too much time together, i don't know. i don't know where it's gone. maybe my love for you is evolving into a love of a friendship. the more i look at it, the more i see you as a brother. i can't give my 110% like you do. knowing that if i make a promise to be your girlfriend means marriage, it makes it hard to make that decision. what if i do something, what if i want to leave. . i'll be too deep into the relationship to pull myself out. sometimes, i think it would be easier for me not to continue. it's so fucking hard. you talk about girls that just gave up all too quickly, that's makes it harder for me. do i fall into that category then? i gave up? what if it's not meant to be? dammit. . i'm what iffing. maybe they didn't give up? maybe they knew that you two weren't meant for each other. yes, it seems almost too perfect. we just knew on july 13. we've known of each other for almost 6 years, you're friends with one of my close cousins. you know my family, they know you. they approve of you. seems almost too perfect. but how can things continue to grow when it seems that they grow in separate directions? i can't strive the way you do. i'm trying to focus on myself. i'm trying to get my life straight and then see what comes at the end of the road. i don't know what to tell you. i don't know what you want to hear. i want you to walk away from me and make it easier. i don't treat you the way you deserve to be treated, the way you want to be treated. i'm not meant for you. maybe we were brought together to remind each other how to love again. i don't know. i just don't want to think about long term relationships, i don't want this to be my last one. i still have a whole world to discover on my own. i'm sorry i can't give you what you want. you've given me something that is so good, that nothing will compare to. i need to do things on my own. i need to enjoy my life on my own. my fear is not having you there if i do realize i want you there, but that's just one of the chances i have to take. this decision is based on my own feelings, everything else is perfect. i'm not what you want. i am not what you need. i can't let my heart stop every time you say something special to me. i can't. it's just so frustrating. the more and more i see you, the more and more you become a friend. you are someone special to me. you have qualities that i adore. you are all too perfect for me, but i'm not ready.

i shouldn't have even made you wait. we shouldn't have even gone through what we went through. i'm crawling up my slide again for protection of what may come.