confession: i'm nosey as hell.

i keep doing it. i need to stop snooping, that's the past. man, it's been over 2 years and i'm still concerned about what they're saying. who the hell cares!?(my conscience says). i know i shouldn't care, nor should i compare myself to them. maybe lex is right. . i'm not over my ex. i feel like i still have to watch my back. i feel like i still have to be aware of everything, when i really shouldn't care. high school is over.

i think i owe a portion of this emotion to the consistency of society. lately, i've been feeling inadequate, as if i'm not good enough for this world to define myself. i think the LOST GENERATION suites us very well. i've noticed that a lot of people have been searching for themselves. . "searching for something to believe in." why is that? so many people chooses not to conform but then again they are conforming to the portion that does not conform. again i ask, what is typical?

ok enough about that. . for a long time i've been complaining about the urban feel. although i did not grow up in an urban area, i dress it. i have my golfer hats and my knit beanie. . but i think i'm getting tired of it. i see everyone else wearing it and well i feel like i'm like them. being urban was a way of life. . not it's a romanticized way to dress. it's what's in nowadays. urban life is not easy. . . compared to what a lot of us have here in sd a SUBurban life. we didn't share in that lifestyle. there's a defintion between classes, suburban and urban. now you see the SUBurban class dressing urban. . what happened did you discover that you can look good and spend less?! geez. well you know what i've decided. . i'm not going to let that get to me. . i am going to complain as long as i want. . but dress the way i want.

so yes. .last night lex and i almost got into an accident with this dumb white rice integra rocket. . fool look both ways before you go!!! "oh my god! oh my god" no i'm not having an orgasm. . that's just what i was screaming the whole time. and then the night before that. . this stupid cop cuts us off. he literally swerves into our lane to turn into a building complex. do you know what was across the street!??!??!??! a freaking donut shop! man. . so sad.

yes. i had the chance to bring back some old memories yesterday. i went to the living room, courtesy of viet. lex and i checked out the open mic. i saw all the old caffiend's faces. it was great to be there. i was looking for ron, but i didn't see her there. my groove partner she is, but i did see that girl christie was crushing over. after all the slamms. . this group went on stage. they were awesome. their words spoke to my mind, body, soul, and heart. it touched me all over, bringing back my faith in music, in the world. to know that there are some conscience minds out there. . it felt great to be in the room with them. afterwards, elroy joined in. he tore it up. it was awesome. i have never seen anyone beatbox like that. too bad that was our first and last time seeing him. i have a feeling we're going to hear him though. ((takes a deep breath, exhale)) that was relaxing.