Emotion:
Random Thought:
What:

miri ben-ari. . . i think that's right? the hip hop violinist, can't wait until her album comes out. . sounds like it'll be pretty phat! definitely a different kind of fusion.

well, today i'd like to get some stuff off my shoulders. last night i had a coversation with my mother, my cousin, and my cousin's husband. i never realized how much angst and frustration i had built up when it comes to the subject matter of my father's side of the family. i'm pretty sure that i wrote about this before, but it just happened to come up again last night. i have also realized why i put so much pressure on lex to graduate from college. it's because all my life i have been brought down by this side of the family, that by having an educated husband it will improve my life and keep me from ridicule. i know i know, i know that i shouldn't be doing things to prove other people. and it isn't. in a way it has become a standard for my potential mates. . they need to be currently enrolled in college or have graduated. but back to my family. it's rare to hear some positive encouragement from that side of the family. i know it's sad that we (my mother, ate, and i) feel this way. it amazes us when our grandmother actually remembers us for christmas or gives us money. those moments are rare and precious. but those numerous times of neglect have been internalized and it's almost impossible to not question her motive. ya, i rarely try to think about this complexity.

it's only through my actions can i hope to turn them around. i sometimes envy those people who have close relationships to their cousins because i don't have one.

i think i'll end it here.