Emotion:upset, frustrated.
Random Thought:feels like i'm carrying the burden.
What:can't i be violent?

so today has been a blow to the chest, a real blow. it's been a hard day, my normal day to day experiences have been magnituted. i suppose i will speak from the context of today's film, as a person of color i carry many burdens for MY PEOPLE. i face racism, discrimination everyday. i know many of you will say you that you too experience it, but do you really experience as a non-white U.S. citizen. it pains me to hear people invalidate my thoughts and experiences, especially those of other people of color. i honestly feel alone sometimes because of this heartfull experience. as of right now i feel like i really need to clear my conscience. it's cluttered with a lot of negativity.

of being exploited, forced into decisions that i don't to make, vulnerability, being taken advantaged of by close friends, and just the drama on campus (that which is not my problem, but it affects me). i am a big ball of frustration. i am forced to wear many masks. i am forced into positions that i don't want to be in. some may say that that is life, but what!? what is the resolution? all this talk, and what do you get at the end of it? some self-satisfaction because you were able to get everything off your chest? and what about you who read this? what if i write my true feelings? will it make you uncomfortable? am i just writing these things to maintain a level of ease for you, my readers. i admire nik for being able to write what he wanted to write. i think it's silly though the way i reacted. i should have applauded his effot because he called it as it was.

what am i doing? am i trying to save face value? argh, this fucking frustration really pisses me off. i really don't need to through this crap. i don't need people to tell me to calm down. i don't need that. i need to be heard. i need to be understood, and to know that there is a commonality between black and white. this really just fucks me over. it makes my vengeful and cynical. characteristics that i know won't really solve anything but serve as my drive to enforce change.

today has been an real eye opener for me. shedding light on the truth of society that there is racial tension. that we are in a individualist society rather than a collectivist one that has been taught to me a child. what do you do trying to be inclusive yet as an individual. i know i am not crazy.

the sad thing is that i have been aware of these issues since i first started school back in '89. i knew that i had an identity problem in 2nd grade. i knew that i had to decide on what roots i wanted to acknowledge. i knew i had to choose what kind of ethnicity i would fill in. i was aware of all this at 5.

blah.

i really don't need this crap. this is the kind of stuff that makes a person want to committ suicide because you see no end to this chaos. it's a "vicious cycle" like the cycle of abuse that i was rode for practically 2 years with branigan.

a;lkdfjaskdjfd fuck this shit. you really piss me off. yes, i am cynical. this is what lies beneath the smile. the me that i can't express because it's seen as radical, anarchist, irrational, crazy.


there was a lot more.