Emotion:hurt.
Random Thought:
What:

i can't say i hate you because i don't. i'm just so frustrated with this "love" crap. i'm so upset and it tears me apart. you know. . when you really think you're in love and then you find out it wasn't what it was painted to be. i'm just so upset. i hate crying out of frustration. i don't understand why we pick our brains just to understand where a love could go awry. it just did. i did things for you that i thought would benefit you and you did the same. but in the end it made you unhappy that my consideration wasn't what you exactly wanted. . and what you did for me wasn't your exact intention. the gift of the maji. oh well. we both come out looking untriumphant, it's not one victory.

i suppose you had a reason for suspicion but still you said you trusted me. and in the one split second you didn't. you're insecurities overthrew your confidence in me. were you afraid of me being better than you? during the times that you were busy, i needed something to keep myself occupied so turned to friends. i've been through the "devout girlfriend" stage, i lost friends because of it and i most especially lost myself. i wasn't about to risk that again. i wasn't going to risk my chance of making a place for myself for love. i guess you can call that selfish, but i had to look out for myself. who else would? besides trust can only go so far.

i thought of you as the prize at the end of all of this. now, i don't know what to make of it. i can't be in a relationship with someone who is used to being the innocent, righteous one and downgrading my life decisions. just because i didn't choose love, it does not make me any enemy. that constant reminder makes me the enemy, makes you lose your trust for me. and i can't be with someone who has their doubts about me, just as i do about them.

you can't teach an old dog new tricks. i find it funny, that after about two years you thought you could get me to change my mind about being liberated for love. after my past experience with branigan, i've learned that some people just don't change. at the moment in time, i am stuck with my lifestlye until i achieve what i want to in order to have some sense of security. love only lasts so long, if you were to pass and i had no skills what do i do? how do i survive? what will i have to show for myself.

i guess someone said it best when they said it would be selfish to put love over top priorities. if you love someone let them go so that they can take care of what they need to. and it is meant to be it will be. love can wait.

in addition, people handle things differently don't get upset because one person is able to do something that you're not.

i think it was a feud of lifestyles. one wanting to live for love and one wanting to live for self-stability. i guess i'm like a cat in a tree not wanting to climb/jump down.