Emotion:anxious
Random Thought: my hair's yucky.
What:mushroom jazz

I have so much time on my hands now. It's relaxing to be able to step away from the college life and embark on what else is out there. i've forgotten how nice it is to have brunch at the abbey on sunday's or to stroll downtown and catch reverbs. i have to say i've lost a lot of myself last year, but i have also gained something special. thanks oso.

to those: thanks for listening to me in my need of venting. i appreciate it a lot. i wasn't sure where to turn to, so thank you once again.

but yes, back to this time i've got on my hands. i finished class at 8:15 a.m. a time when most college students would be just waking up or on the road. i got home at 9 and just sat there. it was nice. i'm looking forward to what is in store for the rest of this year.

i realize that many people have passed away these past couple of days. and even though i may not know them on a true personal level, yet i emote empathy. yesterday, i went to church and it was just solemn. during the time that the lector read the petitions, i felt my heart sink when she read the name of our dearly departed, maria vargas. it's an eerie feeling and it brings me back to 5th grade. my grandfather died. i left him on his death bed afraid to give him water because he looked so sickly. i've been marked since then. not quite sure how to handle death, but i welcome it.

like i've said for a long time, people go through the same situations in life, but it's up to them as to how they want to handle it. i suppose you could say that that's where the psychological and sociological effects take place. i realize that many people speak from experience when they prevent others from doing something or offering encouragement, but why not let that person experience it for themselves? i don't know. i see that i'm not looking that far into the future. i suppose i'm like satre, think after the incident has occured. rationalize from then on.

running away.
that's always been what it's about. running away and starting fresh. wanna know why? because that's how my life has been. we ran away from oxnard, from oak harbor, and from yokosuka. this is the first time i've lived somewhere for more than 3 years. it's been pleasant, but i'm still waiting for that day to pack my bags and leave. it takes a lot of getting used, just situating myself in a track home on dormouse rd. san diego. how fun is that? as of now, tsiko keeps entertained.

my sense arrogance is too much for myself. i am aware of what i'm doing when it comes to that, and i feel so guilty afterwards. but why is that? am i the elephant with a stick tied to its ankle? sometimes i just want to let all my inhibitions go and live in an anarchy. do as i please, when i please. which is why i have the self-exclusion tendencies. i am very much an introvert when i please. i like to keep away from society enough so that i don't vandalize it in any way and vice versa. i'd rather be on the outskirts looking in. which is usually what i do.

so if i seem distant, it's because i am.

you know that passage in the bible where god says to pay attention to the stick in your eye before you condone your brother? that sticks in my head. i suppose you could say i'm trying to cleanse myself. also, remember that saying. . "Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people." i try to live by that too. there must've been a reason why i was eleanor roosevelt for elementary school. mind you, i just found out that this was her quote. in addition:

Eleanor Roosevelt wrote:
Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart
To handle yourself, use your head; to handle others, use your heart
If someone betrays you once, it is his fault; if he betrays you twice, it is your fault.
Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

want more?
she's a great woman. there's a lot of great quotes on the page all except the fact that it promotes yoga, not that it's a bad thing. but still.

what a contradiction huh? "learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself."

conclude.