sometimes i'm torn. i don't know where i stand. i know i am in love, but i love my freedom. i've lost apart of myself but i've found my other half. sometimes i just want to push the pause button on life and see what it would be like to be alone. i haven't excercised my creativity, my independence, my love for life in a long time. i'm not saying that it's bad thing. i've been blessed with the most ah-fucking-mazing gift from god, alexander domingo. it's everything i've wished for. that person that you just know, you just know you two are meant to be together. it's been 6 years and july 13, 2002 just seemed to be the day. we HAD to talk to each other.

my life has been put on pause since then. it's turned around and i've become a devoted girlfriend and part-time sociale. my writing has paused, my music life has paused. my late night rondevou (dammit, i can't spell it, but i can use it) stopped. i haven't seen sunshine, ken10, viet, sam, ant, maggie, all those minds who elevated me. my creativity has run dry. now i'm focused on graduating from csusm, getting a ph.d. to teach at the international school in the philippines. i guess i've known for a long time that i wasn't going to live in the u.s. as an adolescent i was already dreaming about living in the philippines. sometimes i just want to give it all up to just lie in a fetus position alone. right now, i feel as if all i have is my family and lex. i've shut the doors to other parts of my life. i always do that. maybe that's why my body is contorted. i'm sorry to everyone.

i've always been a depressed little child. i remember at the age of 5 writing in my journal, "I HATE MY FAMILY!!!!!!!!!!!" i always yelled at my family screaming that they didn't love me. i grew up believing that no one loved me. that's probably why i don't know what love is. i tried to committ suicide in 6th grade. i contemplated it for a large portion of my life. in 7th grade i engaged in self-mutilation. last year i told my mom i just want to die. i wanted branigan to kill me, i wanted him to hurt me so bad that it wouldn't hurt. i try to pick fights with lex just to get him to be mad at me and then tell me he loves me so my heart can stop. i don't know where the turning point was, but it's changed. i don't think of suicide anymore, but i dont know what's ahead of me. i can dream a dream, but can i live it? i hear about everyone else's lives and how successful they are and it makes me think,where am i going? what's my life? my poetry has always been about depressing moments, even in 2nd grade. looking into the mirror i see a face of a stranger i no longer know. she used to be a baby, but now i don't know her. who is she?. . . i remember reciting that poem in 2nd grade and crying. i couldn't finish it. it hurt me too much. i've always been the odd child. i saw god as a young child. one night my friends and i were playing @ night and we got down on our knees to pray for someone who got hurt. suddenly a red heart was flying towards us. i would speak in tongues. i would cry nonstop and scream it hurt, that the virgin mary was hurt. i would just have pain inside me. be afraid if you must, but you will one day see.