feels like an eternity.

do you remember those days when you were so childishly in love? every remark was, "i love ____!, he's so cute, omg, i'm so in love" i browse the net and stumble onto xanga pages of 16-18 year olds, not that i'm saying i'm much older than them, but it's just funny how they're "so in love." and i'm not? @ least i don't react that way. i'll have my days when i'm overly affectionate and days when i'm reserved. but not until recently did i start to proclaim my love, even now it's hard. i have flashbacks of my relationship with branigan. i try to analyze it to understand myself. i'm assuming that because of the intensity of the relationship and the naivete (spelling?), i'm messed up. i'm not completely messed up, but emotionally i am, and knowing what love is, i am. what is love? love is just a w<3rd. that was my million dollar motto, but now is it more than a w<3rd? i want to be honest with him, i want to tell him how disappointed i am but i understand. i want the world to be on my side. i want promises to come true. all my life, promises have been broken. children remember broken promises. i get lost in him. sometimes, i wonder how can a person be so in love? i don't feel worthy of such a love, why bother with someone like me? i've lost my self-confidence in love, i think that's what it is. i've become insecure with myself and being in love, that i can't put words with my emotions. i've just had an epiphany. i can admit my problem, 2nd step. he and i have been invovled for almost a year. i know it's not much, but it's been a while. 10 months of my life dedicated to someone. that's scary for someone who's afraid of commitment.

school is finally over, but my grades haunt me. while some people await their transfer, i pray that i can stay in school. the asian pacific student society starts a new page with new officers. it's washing its hands clean of the past. i have a month's vacation and i'm going to suck it up for all it's worth. it's a well deserved vacation this year. i've put a lot of hard work and dedication into san marcos. i've met more people that it's made this year exciting and troublesome. i've become semi-outspoken. i'm not as reserved as before, but i still tend to be impressionable. i lose myself easily. i need to learn to hold on tighter.

it's hard living in a world with a secret. did you ever sit down and think about how influenced you are by the western society? or even how the world is influenced. let's narrow it down and call it as it is. we live in a world that caters to U.S.'s dominance and anglo-saxon benefactors. my mom finally got the filipino channel, courtesty of ate rianne. so, i was watching a show on the filipino channel and they were speaking english. given that it is taped in the philippines, a foreign country, wouldn't you think that they would speak tagalog? when you watch the spanish channel, what language is it? or the international channel during indian newsreports, vietnamese shows, japanese television? "the filipinos are the greatest imitators," my mom said. the philippines is a society that is heavily influenced by the United States, the forgotten Americans. We were once nationals after the Spanish-American war in 1902. Filipinos were allowed to travel to the United States and receive higher education. American colonies were set up and English was instilled into the Philippine educational system. The U.S. then decided to recall Filipinos as nationals. They granted a privilege and snatched it back, indian givers (I fail to keep racist remarks out of this, shame). But the privilege still prevails. Do you notice a sense of privilege in your life? You live comfortably compared to those outside the United States. When you think American, what color do you see? white, black, brown, other? Buy American. I hate those stickers. Then again, there's a benefit to that, then you don't have to support sweat shops. Buy American, buy from American workers. Buy American, buy products created by colored hands. By buying american, does that mean keep it white? i live in a world where white is right. what good is it for me to join whiteness when i'm brown, when i belong to a filipino clan. i'm granted a privilege, but i'm snatching it back.

*filipino-american females continue to have the highest suicide rate in california*