i can't sleep. i drove my mom to work yesterday morning @ 5:15 a.m. i fell asleep at 4 p.m. to 9 p.m. now, i'm stuck, awake. he's sleeping right now. we have a pre-planned day ahead of us full of errands. my top priority is to his the ocean. i miss it. for a year, i've craved the wave and now it's finally time. i haven't paddled out yet, i've been waiting for him. i want to get those long board shorts before i go out and he definitely needs a rash gaurd. i mean, he's sexy but i don't want to see his hairy chest under the sea. i might mistaken it for some seaweed or something. = )

i haven't written in quite a while. it's time for reflections, or attempt to reflect. i think i started this school year inquiring about the asian pacific islander community on campus. i remember writing an email to james nguyen, who i later put a face to, concerning the asian pacific student society. i went to the first meeting with paul and adrian just to check it out. i wanted to do something for the filipino-americans and for my self-satisfaction and knowledge. lo and behold, they were planning for filipino-american heritage month. i wanted to do it, but i didn't want to do it alone. joy and i decide to co-chair. my first meeting and i'm already putting together an event. i made the mistake of overly sacraficing myself. i didn't do too well that semester. it seemed as if everyone was brainwashing me with their judgements about certain individuals. i tried not to join the bandwagon, but i started noticing it. i'm not usually one to dislike someone and gossip, but i was pulled in. many of the people i met this year didn't know i existed. i chose that path. i liked it that way. less people, less drama. i spent most of my time with evan and rosh. suddenly all these changes occured. lex and i instantaneously attracted to one another on july 13, 2002. apss and my social conciousness became a big movement in my life. god popped back in. ate rianne moved back home. ate ricel went back to school. i started bodyboarding. marianne healed me. i understood myself and my place on earth. we're the toys that god plays with.

so now that all these changes have occured, i'm left to rediscover myself. i was fine in that nutshell, but i've expanded. both positive and negative. the downside of all of this is that i've lost some self-esteem. over the span on 2 years, i've gained close to 40 lbs. each one amounting to stress and discontinuation of band. i'm the biggest i've ever been. it was hard enough being taller than everyone and expected to maintain a weight of 100, which was a load of crap, impossible for me. now that i'm 20, 40 lbs overweight, i feel disgusted. all i can do is think, think about working out. no action. i'm lazy. all i do is sleep and sit around. i don't play around anymore. it's funny though that people say i'm losing weight, but i've gained weight. all my life, my mom has taunted my sisters and me for our weight "problem." i remember the day when ate rianne and i sat on the stairs and told my mom to cut it out. it had gotten to the point where we couldn't bear it any longer. it's changed since then. my mom's become more understanding. i did it to my mom too. i used to tease her and tell her that she looked pregnant. i'm hoping that when i have kids, i don't make weight an issue. it's bad enough that society pressures them to develop the "perfect body." now, i look at ate rianne and see how much her butt has shrank. i'm jealous. now i'm going to get the fat remarks and she's going to get the praise for weightloss. ugh. all you males may not care, but deal with it. you're going to get married someday and you're wife, given that you are heterosexual, will complain about her weight. she might even complain about yours. san diego is the 3rd fattest city in america. now only am i a statistic for domestic violence, but also for "fattest city." how beautiful is that. i have a closet full of "skinny" clothes and only a hand full of "fat" clothes. i don't know what the hell to wear anymore. sometimes i just want to stay in my pajamas and not step outside. it's pretty bad. i think about reducing myself to diet pills, but i know that's not healthy. i consider the atkin's diet, but that too is not healthy. i don't feel like working out, but i do and i should. i don't like going to miramar's gym. i don't like working out in san diego, maybe that's the problem. i don't like san diego. perhaps, i just don't like people seeing my rolls when i work out or my cottage cheese thighs. it's gotten pretty bad.

end of fat rant.