confession: i ditched school today.

oh boy, ditching is really paying off. just thinking about how i'm going to live off of welfare, become a junkie, and work @ a gas station excites me. i know it's bad, but it's so damn addicting. i get a cheap thrill out of it.

it's fuckin' hot. i've got papers to write, papers to sign, work to take care, and a shit to take. i'm getting hot 'n bothered. i have no outlet to handle this new position. i can't vent to schoolmates (cute word) because word will get around and ya. the pressure's on. it feels as if james is waiting for that one moment of failure to catch me doing. it's like he's going to expose me. it's hard to continue the race after someone's dropped the baton. i've got to pick up the pieces and mend it all together while keeping the audience entertained. i should do a trick and say "ta-da". look @ me i failed. i just want to do what i can do to improve this group. as much as i dislike typical asian groups, i'm scared that it may turn into one. then again, what is a typical asian group? i've never really been apart of one. i never joined the fil-am group in highschool. i chose not to, but i don't know why i'm in APSS, maybe because i can create a new image of asian pacific islander groups. yet, at the same time i'm juggling school work and social life. my body overloaded itself yesterday. my eyes gave out and i had to sleep it off. i had a horrible eye migraine last night, it kept me up until 3 a.m. my face has broken out, zits galore and i feel fat as usual. all this new stress has taken its toll on my body. i don't want to be a bitch, but i have to be. in band, i was the bitch leader but chill friend. my section knew my work habits. work hard, play hard. there are so many patches that need sewing in this quilt of APSS. i just keep telling myself "5 more weeks, 5 more weeks and you can start fresh." that's a problem as well. who will i start with? i can't find a board that i can rely on. joy and phuong are graduating. i just need a strong board. i need people who i can rely on and i wish that this group had been better structured, but it wasn't. maybe last year it was but some where along the lines they have a falling-out party. i feel all this pressure from the former president, the graduating seniors, pretty much everyone. i've got a lot of shit on my plate that i've gotta to pass around. it's time that i stop criticizing and get my shit done.

i have no time for a social life. my social life is based off of networks. it's pretty sad to have to sacrifice fulfilling relationships for work. normally i would just say fuck that. i wouldn't give up these relationships, but a lot has happened. ever since rosh came back from his trip and i started dating lex, things haven't been the same. i miss my old opinionated self. i got soft. bleh! it's disgusting, you should hear me pout over the phone to lex. i'm like a damn baby now. i miss my hard outer shell. my callus.