confessions: i'm not sad that i'm going away.
this is the real me. the confused low self-esteem fat fuck. yes i chose to use those words. i am who i am. even though i lose it sometimes. . i am who i am. i am patricia lucido guevarra. bought into this world by two loving parents, regardless of our past, they still love me. i have two older sisters who i grew up with for a while and learned to steer astray from. i have relatives who are family by blood. they are who they are. i like change. i want the best and can never settle for anything less. i want it all. even if i have the best. . i still want more. i was raised to be a greedy fuck. hey, i'm the last/only child, so what do you expect.
not too long ago, i was in a BAD relationship. you could say there was love, but without trust, there is now love. that is the harsh reality of my life. i can't go back to those days when i was naive and innocent. it's time for me to accept myself for who i am. in this relationship i learned a lot about myself. i learned to fight is one thing, but i learned what the meaning of victim was. i know what i went through is nothing compared to other people's experiences, but this is big for me. i instigated it. i figured if he loved me as much as he loved his ex, he would hit me. he hit me. i remember that night. we were parked in front of edwards cinema in mira mesa. we were arguing in the car and i told him, "HIT ME! I know you want to. DO IT!" he hit me. he hit my arm and i cried. a couple walked by, i bet you they were wondering what was going on. i cried, and i cried. that was the start of all of it.

this is the real beginning. i met him online. he seemed interesting to talk to so i called him up. his story was that he just came from hawaii. he got to swim with dolphins and sky dive, two things i want to do. we kept talking from that time and decided to meet up one day. we were both going to wear the same thing, blue jeans and a gray sweater. irma dropped me off after school at mira mesa park. he was sitting in his blue truck and we were off. we went to fashion valley. i should've known from that beginning, his eyes were roaming and i wasn't interested. i don't know what happened, it was his persistence that got to me. that day, i met his sister who told me the truth. they didn't arrive two weeks ago from hawaii, they arrived 6 months ago. he's actually younger than me, and his last name is carles not reyes. ya, i was pretty naive back then.

we kept dating. he kept asking me out. we finally became boyfriend and girlfriend, while he had another girlfriend back in hawaii. she would harass me as well. i didn't know what to do. i played the role of a bitch. he's mine now so back off. stupid move. as time went by, she and i became cool. i notice that i always try to bring justice to those who are opressed. so anyways, we eventually got over that and got into another fight not too long after the situation with shanna. (his ex-girlfriend from hawaii) he and i got into another fight, and i told him to talk to tara because she was interested in him. well, he played me. he drove me crazy. i lost a lot of self-esteem. i lost a lot friends. i lost trust for others. now it's time for me to gain it all back. endless fights, i had guts to slap him and fight back. i almost got arrested for domestic violence, for protecting myself. too many times when i could've gotten arrested. i remember having bruises on my arms and telling my mom that i got them from marching! marching next to a bass clarinet. .ya right. the bruises didn't matter, it was the brain damage and emotional damage that he brought me. that effected me the most. one summer night, tara came over to confront me because branigan was "hating" on her friend john. out of no where she tries to hit me. she manages to form a bruise on my leg, but i push her out. that was the night that i went crazy. endless screams, tears. laying in my closet, wanting it to go away. i tried to get away, trust me i did. i left so many times, he wouldn't let me. sex had me attached as well. he was my first. i gave my dignity to him. he didn't understand that.

this relationship has made me the person i am today. i have to accept that, things can be changed but it won't go away. this is the harsh reality of my life. it gets the best of me nowadays and i get tired of being strong.

i am currently in a new relationship with someone completely different from branigan. someone who actually loves and knows what love is. i lost sight of that and he's teaching me that it's more than just a word. i love him dearly. without i don't think i could confront myself. he makes me stronger each and every day. he's like my personal GOD. someone to lift me up and guide me.

Lord, i thank you for all that you have given to me. thank you for putting me through such trials to make me realize the reality of my being. thank you for what i have, my family, my friends, lex, and you. thanks.

my trip to the philippines will be a good one hopefully. i know i will ridiculed for the weight i have gained, but i just have to be strong. they don't know why i gained this weight. it's a different lifestyle but abuse still plays a role in the culture.

my dreams are to become emotionally and mentally stable. i want to apart of a movement. i have the heart of an activist, i have dreams to be shared. i have yet to help the opressed. i have a voice to be heard, a heart to give to the world, i have a mind to share. i have it all. one day i will be heard along with the rest of the world.