last night. a dream. i was riding in 21's g-ride, which was his silver civic cut up like a truck and low, real low. we were driving through downtown and he didn't know where to go, so i got out and picked up his car and moved it into the right direction. it was like one of those play cars. so then we continued driving and it got real bumpy, that i hit my head and the seat flew back. we were going up this real steep hill and i looked to my right and there was this something surf bus that passed by and i said, "hey, i partied with those guys" or something like that. 21 and i arrived at someone's house, i guess i knew her from apss or something, not sure. she introduced me to all her friends, one looked like sdtekken ron(from happy hour). i think it was him and he knew the same girl. she started to rub my back and she said "wait, i shouldn't do that" because i might get the wrong impression was what she meant. i thought about it, and remember my friend had gone out of the closet and was very carefree, he walked out naked to talk to this girl about her problems. she then handed me a cookie and then i forgot what happened next. part 2. i was at my house, ready to leave, deciding whether or not i should drive or let bran drive, but i decided to drive myself. my parents came home, and mom called me in. i left saying "everytime i hang out with you i get in trouble." (in a bad tone) he left. i then started to drive around with someone and arrived at a mall. a g-ride, tope down cad, rolled in front of us filled with all these people. they were rainbowbrite people on stilts, 2003 kids from mc. there were two other people with us that were on stilts and wanted to ditch us to join the other stilt people. i said go ahead, but i don't remember what happened to them. i walked into the store, looking for shoes. came out, it was night time. i was walking around with aimee and some girl with long hair. they were telling me their opinion about someone and it really hurt. i'm not sure if that was what triggered it, but i started to run, late night running, away from my problems ? the girl with long hair mentioned mickey, i think that was her name, and how she was critic and ya da yada, then i stumbled onto a part of the track that was diverged into two roads by a tree. of course i avoided the tree. ya. i think i'm missing parts.

does anyone approve? will anyone approve. standards set unrealistically to reach a dream ultimately to feed others' desires. what they have in store for your entire life. all believing that it is the best, nothing else can compare. i'm tired of your standards, i'd like to do something for myself, something that truly makes me happy, but i can't do that in this world (area). the walls are closing in. squeezing away my sanity, self-definition. i am once again lost, torn. i want it to just blend into a happy serum. i want you to approve. although i know in the back of my mind, it shouldn't matter. i can't be your superhuman. i am not your puppet. allow me to make mistakes and accept them rather than misjudge them. let me fall and pick myself back up. do i have to live according to you or the God you brought into my life. i strive for personal happiness as you wished, but you are standing in my way. i don't even know what i want or if it is MY want. life has been fed to me and still is. i'm ready to become anorexic. i'd like you to see what makes me happy. accept it. my life is a reflection of your life. i don't know anymore. will i ever be able to make my own decisions or do i need to stop breathing. i don't want your approval. i don't need your approval, but i do want it[your acceptance]. my life is your life.

10/30/02 @ 10:40 p.m.
inspired by opinion

i now understand why i'll be single for the rest of my life.

recap:
feeling:
ya.