Emotion: lonely.
Random Thought: i don't want to lose.
What: smashing pumpkins.

so. as much as i want to be apart of the big picture, i want to sit back and observe. part of me doesn't want to participate only because i'm afraid to get dirty. in a sense where i don't want to do things i don't want to. you know, it's easier said than done, i know most people would say, "then don't" but considering the amount of pressure and influence we tend to do things without realizing we are doing them. ya know?

i had the privelege to go a wonderful retreat but i find myself more hesitant each and every time to come to reality. imagine in that span of two days in that "perfect" place everything was blissful. i had my fill, the interactions that i have been missing in my life since this semester started. it's really hard for me to be apart of a specific group only because i've always been a nomad, i've always wanted to develop personal relationships with anyone that is willing, no exclusions.

i remember the specific moment when my world went from multicultural to specifically the filipino culture. i almost regret that. i think that in itself has a lot to do with my character now. man. . . if anything that was a big change in my life. all the pressure to be apart of the "filipino" clique. now that i think of it. . . maybe people were threatened by the fact that i hung out with such a diverse group. or simply felt left out in my life. it's been hard to say the least.

i suppose that why i still say my home is japan. that was where i met so many wonderful people, considering that i was only 5-10 yrs old then. no color lines, no nothings. and then coming to San Diego, again no color lines. at least i didn't seem to care nor notice. 6th grade. . . many a filipinos. not that it's a bad thing, but it's scary that i found so much comfort with my "own" people when i couldn't find comfort within myself.

i will forever be a nomad. no attachments, but friendships developed. i love options. i only wish some people would realize that the world is so much bigger than it really is in San Diego.