FROM TUESDAY.
confession: lex likes to listen to his voice.

ha. yes, lex says "hi". i'm supposed to be home right
now. . . but i just don't feel like going there. if i
was to go there it would be to tutor jenny and take
care of her. i think i'm at a point in my life where
i wanna stray away from my parents and make my own
decisions. i know i have that privelege, but i want
it completely. there's so much out there that i need
to discover on my own. i need to make my own mistakes
and learn to pick myself up. my parents like to be
there, like a permanent crutch. "take my crutches
away, never let me remember the yester days" my
parents are great, don't get me wrong. they've done
so many things for me and taught me everything i know,
but it's time for me to do it on my own. my mom
acknowledges the fact that i'm independent, so why not
let me be independent? this seems to be a continuous
struggle in my life. if i could take away that
pressure, i think i'd know. this brings me back to a
past conversation i had with an old boss, dexter.
he's an intelligent man, very cultured. i was talking
to him about how indecisive i am and how i believed it
has to do with my parents. my parents always made the
decision. he said it himself, when he said that
wasn't a good thing. it didn't allow me to grow.
being the youngest can be a bitch. my sister always
tells me to go, that i need to get out of san diego.
frisco would be a good thing for me, it will allow me
to find myself. i feel split in two, patricia with
her parents and patricia, the true me. i am a
creation of my parents, i realize that. they've
brought me into this world to become my own person.
now it's time to let me go.


off topic:

i have a voice
screaming to be heard



for a long time, i believed that i was the only one
screaming, but for some reason, this generation is
screaming as whole. communicating with those my age,
i realize that a lot of us share the same ideology.
we are all struggling to find something to belong to,
a sense of identity. we want our voices to be heard,
but sometimes we just don't know how to communicate
our emotions.

____________________________________________________________________________________________
confession: i have a goal.

i have a goal. yes i do, i'm going to get the fuck out of san diego. i know a lot of people say san diego is a great place. i'm sure it is, but i'm not going anywhere. san diego is not my hometown. oxnard is my birthplace, oak harbor is my childhood, japan is where i grew up, san diego is what i left behind. (ugh, i'm dying. i've got strep throat.) san diego isn't taking me places. i can't grow here. so i've decided to achieve my goal and go to sfsu. i don't know what i'm going to take up there, but i'm going. i can take up journalism and asian american studies.

one of the problems with journalism is that i don't want to become "the enemy." i don't want to distort the truth, i don't want to convey the wrong message. i've been blessed lately with two opportunities. i get to write an article for the asian media magazine and i'm going to submit a story to the filipinas magazine. i haven't started on any of them, but i'd like to be published. sam is hoping to get published, he's written many books. hopefully his auntie gets him out there.

i have the opportunity to make a difference at csusm, but i have the opportunity to change my life in sfsu.
conscience: dude, screw csusm. that school sucks. there aren't any programs or classes that you can use all except for your ethnic studies classes. go to sfsu.

me: i will.